Monday, March 30, 2009

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya...

Have you ever felt like you are in a TV show and your whole life is being watched? If you watch the Truman Show, you might know what I am talking about. That is how I feel sometimes. Not feeling that the world is revolve around me nor I am the center of attention. But feel that the world sometimes cooperates with me. My prayers are being answered quite literally that it became scary at times.

That is sure hard to explain and I can imagine hard for you to understand too. Let me give you an example.

I had a bad morning. A bad one that comes once in every 4 months, that bad. As usual, I put on a happy face to work and sign in my gtalk and chatting happily. So, the people who I talked to could not possibly know that I had a bad morning at all. Other than the fact I already put on my happy face (although she cannot see me), the conversation that we had was not even in a close proximity of my feeling that morning. 

So, it startled me when suddenly, out of nowhere she said:

"jgn la sedih sangat bab xxx tu.. remember, God has our best interest in mind"

We wasn't even talking about that and when did talk about it yesterday, my tone was nothing but happy. The funny thing is I didnot realize that is why I was unhappy this morning. It was very surprising because as far as people around me are concern, I look happy. Noone should know, yet somebody does. How peculiar.

It is as if my life is a movie being directed when all other casts know what was going on except for me. As if, under the curtain, my Director told my actress friend to comfort me because that is what you are supposed to do when your friend is sad. 

Except of course I know that is not true. 

In a way, our lives are all being directed and the world that we are living in is the stage. It has one Director and the other casts who know what's going are indirectly involve in our lives. They are the crews, who each and everyone of them has a duty to fulfil. The closet to us are our greatest companions, writing our good and bad deeds on our back. One will visit us once the Director has decided to take us off the casts. There are more than millions of them.

So, I don't really know which one of them have whisphered what I was feeling to this friend of mine this morning nor do I know why they choose that particular person in the first place. 

Hmm.. angels do speak the same language, yes?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Do it my way

I was already doubting myself when I finally decided to submit the form, for these very solid reasons:

1. It was a 21.2 KM run. The longest I have walk/run non-stop in a day for my entire life was when I went to Taman Negara 2 years ago. That was less than 15 KM and it took us one day with many stops.

2. I rarely run, very very rare. I have always,always preferred brisk walk as a mode of exercising. I easily
 become short of breath with any kind of exercise, hence my preference.

3. I only train once, prior to the run, and that if jogging for one round with 5 walking breaks at Batu Burok jogging track can be considered as one.

4. I don't have anyone to go with. My brother was working that Saturday and none of my colleagues want to go, it was a waste of a good saturday morning sleep was what they said. Scout's honor.

Yet I submitted it anyway.

So, on Saturday morning at exactly 7.30 AM, I was on my feet, running, behind everyone else. I have my mp3 player on (when I say MP3 player, I mean my heavy and bulky handphone), minding my own business when everyone outran me. This is the route that we took.

1. Starting line was Taman Awam Batu Burok. Then we passed Primula Hotel, turning right to Batu Bersurat roundabout.

2. We took left from the roundabout and went down to the town center, the area of all financial institutions till the end of Jalan Sultan Ismail.

3. After Jalan Sultan Ismail, we took left to waterfront area and took another left at Balik Bukit, where it was a little hilly. We went down straight to TNB junctions.

4. We turned right at TNB junctions and climbed up the hill and went down straight to the
 State Library junctions, passing the JPJ junctions.

5. We turned right at the junction and went up the bridge (hence the name of the race), and went down at Pulau Duyong exit. That would be the middle checkpoint for the under 18 groups. Sadly for me, I have to continue for another 6 KM.

6. Down the bridge, we proceeded straight to Batu 6 roundabout, passing 2 traffic lights. The middle checkpoint for us would be the one at Batu 6 roundabout when we started turning back.

7. We went up the bridge and..................................

This is the point where I found that I could not walk anymore. My feet hurts, really bad. The sole of my feet to be exact. As far as the stamina goes, I know I have a litle left in me. I can still push myself to take another step. However, it's a totally different thing when every single step that you take, it felt like there is a sharp stone underneath your sole. At first, I pushed myself still, my mind was doing it's job quite successfully motivating my body to go on and absorb the pain. 

After a while though the pain was getting worse so I sat down on one of the big vase near the street on the bridge, massaging my feet. Several people went passed me, smiling awkwardly and I smiled back warmly, telling without words that I am okay and there's no need to stop the ambulance that has been patroling.

When I thought that it was okay, I stood up quickly only to find out that it had just gotten worse. Obviously letting it to rest was a bad idea, the swelling actually got bigger. So, I called my brother. Since I was on the bridge still and it was impossible for my brother to stop in the middle of the heavy traffic, I continued walking, more like limping this time, down the bridge to the jogging track near Bukit Besar and he was already there waiting. He dropped me off to my car at the finishing line and I walked with my brother's slipper on because he insisted I took his slipper when I told him I will be walking barefooted to my car. There is no way I am going to put that shoes back on.

That was three days ago and my leg hurts a little but the blisters are still there. I only told a few people about this run other than my family and if I did not say anything no one would never have to know that I did not finish the race. Yet I feel compelled to write about it. 

I just want to share this experience with everyone out there who is about to take on a new challenge and is still doubting. I was never an athlete. I skipped my PJ class all the time and I am not even living an active lifestyle. I did it anyway. I did it to challenge myself, to see if I have even the slightest potential to be an athlete. I found that I could not finish the race just yet. I am not giving up, I'll be training for next year.

The thing that fascinates about this whole experience is that I do not feel like a failure at all. If anything, I am proud of myself for even signing up. I finished 18 KM and that is something to me. That is the thing with taking risks. You will never know how it would be unless you take it. I thought I knew what running/walking for 21.1 KM feels like but I was wrong and I would not have known if I do not go through it. Life is all about taking risks. Never assume you know what's coming because unless you step in the water, you will never know what is going to hit you. Staying afloat or getting drowned, they are just relatives in lives. Either way, it will be something else and worth getting your feet wet.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

I asked and He Answered

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."
-Al-Qur'an, 2:216

It could have been worse and I am really seriously grateful. 

No one says that life is easy. It is hard enough and it become even more frustrating when you try to make sense the bad things that happen to you. Well, I do that all the time. I question, I try to reason and at the end of the day I would blame myself for not doing it differently. It became quite tiring after a while.

The thing is, after a while, when I looked back, I would see the point of why those things happen to me. Of course, while it happened, it would all seems bad and feels like I would never recover. Yet I did, and I always learn something new, and if anything, it would make me a little bit stronger than before. 

So my point is, we are merely human. Things will never make sense to us, at least not while it happened and there are still some things that do not make sense even if you try to reason it for years. I am still having problem accepting death and its consequences to the living. But we have to trust, trust that everything happens for a reason. Trust that whatever happened, it happened for our own good. Of course that is easier said than done but that is what I have to remind myself every single time. To trust. To have faith.

Fortunately, being a Muslim, I was taught to leave my fate (not entirely though, you still are required to do everything within your power) to the hand of the God. Being a mere human, I forgot, many times. Lucky for me, the answers always come whenever I need it. The truth is, the answer is always there if you look hard enough and trust that God really answer your prayers, one way or the other. 

I was feeling a little blue when I saw the translation of Ayat 216 from Surah Al-Baqarah on TV. Then it feels like a huge loads has been taken off me. Thank you.

Life is hard. It became harder when you fight it. Accept and trust that it would be okay. I know it's hard but I rather live in hope that things would be okay than living in regret that is full of what-ifs. The bad things, they are just pit stops in a long race. I don't plan to linger too long at one place because I got to finish the race.