The I've learned game

I've learned that..

we never know temptations until we experience it..

I've learned that..

we should never judge other people because it only take a heartbeat for God to turn back the table to us..

I've learned that..

maturity and age are two very different things, and I choose to settle with the former..

I've learned that..

life without friends is a very lonely life to live..

I've learned that..

time doesn't heal anything unless you let them to..

I've learned that..

God always hear your prayers and grant them, whether it's good or bad for you, if you really ask..

I've learned that..

even the strongest of heart can be broken to million pieces and it only take one person to put it together, you.

I've learned that..

a perfect person doesn't make a perfect love, a perfect love makes a perfect person..

I've learned that..

there are no same stories in the world, so you shouldn't compare yourself to others..

I've learned that..

no matter how bad things have become you can always find your way back. Always.

I've learned that..

there are many things in the world that are not worth to be angry about..

I've learned that..

the mind is a very powerful tool and you can do everything if you believe you can..

I've learned that..

suspicion is like a tumor. You let it, it will grow and kill you. Either ask until you are satisfied or give people the benefit of the doubt..

I've learned that..

love should make heart grows strong.. and if it otherwise, teach the heart to be strong..it's all in you..

**********************************************

Anyway, someone wrote in his blog this "I've learned" thing. I think it's really cool because in my 26 years and 6 months of breathing, I did learn a few things out of life and I would love to share it.

So, I want to start a tag (hehe, for the first time) of what have you learned in your whatever number years of life. Let's call this tag "The I've learned game". I want to tag:

1. Adik

2. Yie

3. Syu

4. Sheila

5. Sarimah

6. Lina Ideris

7. Farahana

8. Ainur

9. Tet

10. Kak Amy

11. Ina

and you!!!!!!!!! whoever you are.. wherever you are.. life is what if not a series reflections.. kan kan kan??

When The Coffee is Cold

When the talk is good

And the feeling is easy

And the laughter is light

And the memories are many

But the time is too short

You know that you are with

A Friend....

Curiosity Kills the Cat

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.

-Meredith of Grey's Anatomy (ep:23&24)

Yeay, my sister is home! Hence, my torturous days of waiting for the Grey's Anatomy series has ended. This season season's finale is by far my most favorite. It's amazing after 5 seasons, I'm still glued to this series.

The quote above would be my favorite for this season. I worry about the future too much. Like it said though, even if I know it in advance it still won't cushion the blow.

When my father was sick and bedbound, I have prepared myself emotionally for the worst news. Yet when the worst happened, the pain is nothing like I have ever experienced before. So, I agree. Knowing what will happen doesn't exactly help you emotionally.

Still, I can't help but wonder how everything would turn out someday. I know, I know, live today for the fullest and your future will unfold itself. Even so, a girl can be a little curious, can't she?

I Just Want To Be Myself

I was googling for a poem by Rumi that Syu once wrote to me when I stumbled upon this one blog. It is filled with poems and stories of Sufis. Before I know it, I have already spent over an hour reading his entries. I like this one story, authored by Khalil Gibran. I'd like to share it.

******************

I was strolling in the gardens of an insane asylum when I met a young man who was reading a philosophy book.

His behavior and his evident good health made him stand out from the other inmates.

I sat down beside him and asked:
‘What are you doing here?’

He looked at me, surprised. But seeing that I was not one of the doctors, he replied:

‘It’s very simple. My father, a brilliant lawyer, wanted me to be like him. My uncle, who owns a large emporium, hoped I would follow his example. My mother wanted me to be the image of her beloved father. My sister always set her husband before me as an example of the successful man. My brother tried to train me up to be a fine athlete like himself.

And the same thing happened at school, with the piano teacher and the English teacher - they were all convinced and determined that they were the best possible example to follow. None of them looked at me as one should look at a man, but as if they were looking in a mirror.

So I decided to enter this asylum. At least here I can be myself.’

***********************

Interesting, ain't it? Haha, of course volunteering yourself into an asylum is not a solution. But that is how I feel sometimes. Not that many people have any high expectations towards me but some are trying to make me someone I'm not. Being myself should not be a battle that I have to fight everyday. Then again, I think most of us actually do do that everyday. Heh. 

P/S By the way Syu, if you read this, can you write to me once again, the definition of truth by rumi? something to do with broken mirror, different angles. Thanks!!!

Fikirlah

After hearing tons of compliments from many people, I decided to give it a try. I watched (on youtube) the videos of Tomok of One in A Million. I gotta say, he is really becoming someone new. I especially like when he sang "Umbrella", he made it his own song. Anyways, my brother came out from his room just now and I showed him the video (we always make fun of Tomok before) and he was really impressed. 

Then we talked about all the reality TV (singing competition) and how AF is overrated. We talked about the people that came out of these singing competition and where they are now in our music industries. Especially the winners. We concluded that you've got to have your own identity. People like Faizal Tahir, Aizat, Tomok, they know what they want and they do it. They produce their own music and make their music to become one with their identity. They don't let people tell them what to do (like most kids in AF. They express themselves in the way they want it to be. I think that is great.

Anyways, I like this one song from Aizat. It has been playing in my head the whole week. 

Fikirlah.

Verse 1
Benarkah salahku, lepaskan kamu
Kau duga egoku, fahami diriku begini
Tiada yang sama
Yang pasti kita semua bebeza
Kau fikirlah

Chorus
Tiada guna cipta sebuah cerita
Kalau kisah kita sementara
Rasa hati dan langkahmu
Membuat aku keliru

Tiada guna kita menderita
Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Verse 2
Kita pernah satu, aku dan kamu
Dulu itu dulu, masih di dalam ingatanku
Kini berbeza
Namun masih ku harap kau bersedia
Oo mungkinkah, kau temu bahagia

Chorus

Bridge
Lepaskan semua mimpimu
Tangis dan juga sayumu
Kau fikirlah

Chorus
Tiada guna cipta sebuah cerita
Kalau kisah kita sementara
Rasa hati dan langkahmu
Membuat ku keliru

Tiada guna kita menderita,
Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena,
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Aku keliru
Aku keliruuuu....

Unravel me

I want to be a Vicky so desperately yet I found myself leaning towards a Cristina. I simply cannot understand. I wish there is a guideline to follow. 

..................

Somehow between driving in the heavy rain to Pantai Teluk Chempedak at 12.00 AM, buying nuggets and oreo McFlurry and eating them in the car and finishing my McFlurry in front of my laptop, my head is getting clearer. At least that is what I felt as I stare into my McFlurry cup with a quarter of its melted contents. 

A penguin wants to stay a penguin eventhough a peacock looks much merrier. Hence, a decision has to be made. 

May Allah makes it easy.

Never say forever

I used to have a fotopage, when I still had my camera back in Bloomington. I mantained it for a while until I got bored, then I ignored it. Somehow a few weeks ago, I received an email from fotopage telling me that I have received a new comment. I can't login because I can't remember my username and password. I don't remember the address, so I googled it. 

Thank God it's not that difficult to find it. Turned out, I've received quite a few comments from friends and strangers. So, if any of you who commented back then is reading this entry, please know that I don't mean to ignore your comments. I don't even realize it actually.

Looking at the pictures, I realized how much I miss taking pictures and edited them. To make it alive, that's what I always tell Syu. I hate dull, plain pictures. I like pictures that come alive when you see them. The one that tell a story. People say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I plan to make mine worth a million more. 

Anyways, I came across this picture that I had back then. This is not mine. Definitely got it somewhere on the web. I don't really know to whom should I give the credit to. But I'd like to share it. Today I found that someone called Grandpa Suparyo commented on it. It's nice and I'd like to share that too.

Grandpa Suparyo's comment:

Don't be pessimistic  The world is always rotating  Making the seasons cling  Once you might cry another time you sing  Grab your fortune though it looks gloomy at the beginning  sigh..

Something I want To say A long Time Ago

I agree: 

Appearing to be humble and actually being humble are two very different things.

Cocky people disgust me too.

Humility is indeed the key.

Hehe, as if sending SMS to Ainur did not already emphasize my feeling on this. Not to mention my comment on Ayaz's blog. 

But really, wake up! Open your eyes. Just because you went to great school or took writing lessons or have your own business, that doesn't mean you know it all. I'd like to see how you handle it when you fall flat on your face. Well, that sounds a little extreme. Whatever. 

The world is round you see. And life is fair with all its unfairness. Although you appear to be religous, you sure don't act like one. Shame on you. 

Humility is the key, yes it is.

Addiction..

That's what this is..

Holly: I don't want to make any mistakes, Gerry.

Gerry: Then you're in the wrong species, love. Be a duck.

Hehe, I have always loved that quote from P/S I Love You. I re-watched it last night. One of the two movies that make me cry no matter how many times I watched it. 

The other one would be "A Walk to Remember". I remembered watching it with Yani back in Bloomington. We were both in love with Shane West from "Whatever it takes". Hence, our eagerness to watch that movie. We weren't prepared for the emotional ride it would take us. We cried from start to finish. Haha. Thank God we weren't the only two. We realized that when we went to the bathroom and almost everyone's eyes was wet with tears. We took a cab back to Tulip Tree and we were still crying in the cab. I can't imagine what the driver must be thinking.

Both Mandy Moore and Shane West did a good job. Wonder what happened to him after that movie. Hmm..

Oh well, I miss Bloomington today.

Update on Care for Refugees

It's been a while since I received the email from halfdate regarding this video. One week to be exact. The night I opened it, I was in my hotel room in Kota Bharu. I was thankful that I was all alone because within minutes watching it, tears started rolling down. Before I know it, I started sobbing. That night I went to bed early, unable to write anything. I prayed that I would find the words better the next day. Sadly, I was too caught up in work until today. 

Alhamdulillah, today I am able to share this video and I hope it would touch you as much as it did to me. Please remember that they are our sisters and brothers. I hope one day when we were asked how we have helped our brothers and sisters; the eyes, the tears and the fingers would speak. 

On April 17th, I received another email from halfdate. Among its contents, this one really caught my eyes:

A: Just curious, why you picked to donate $7.29?

B: Because that's all I could afford without making my bank account empty.

Someone actually donated that much because that is all she can afford. Yet she did it anyway because she knows that it won't go unrewarded. In fact, she'll get more out of it.

Right now, I am not asking you to donate your money because there are actually a lot of donors out there. What they are requesting right now are letters from us to the refugee families. I know writing letters, buying stamps, posting them can be a hassle. So, if there is something you want to say to these families, you can email me or simply leave a comment here. I will mail the words to them. For more information on this project, you can refer to this page: http://halfdate.com/2009/04/02/care-for-refugees/#address

I'm sure whoever you are, you do feel alone sometimes. Even when you have the people you love with you. Imagine these people who just lost almost everyone they knew. Moving to a place where everything is so alien, including the language. Imagine their nights, the vivid images that they see during their wake and their sleep. Imagine their day, missing the people that they used to know. Imagine your loneliness and compared it with theirs. The letters would help ease the feeling. Let's lend a helping hand, let's write a letter, ok?

p/s if you know a kindergarden teacher or if you know anyone at all who are looking for a project, you can propose this one. 

Care for Refugees

I am not that big fan of Facebook. However, one of the things that I like about Facebook is the many causes that we can join. I was invited to join Halfdate last year. Having to read briefly on what the organization is about, I clicked on yes, silently promising to contribute something, someday. I receive emails from Halfdate almost on a daily basis. I check out the website, every once in a while but never really have contributed to anything.

Halfdate is a volunteer organization that promotes Sadaqah. The word Sadaqah gives a broader definition in this context because most of the times, they don't ask for money. In some event, they don't even want to accept your money. Halfdate is not focusing on any specific issues. The point of this organization is to help people. So, anyone of the members could come up with a new project and share it with other members. Those active members would discuss the way that they can help and invite the rest of the volunteers to help. The best thing is, it works. It seems the world is still full with good-hearted people. The dark knight would be disappointed. 

I always supported their causes through my prayers but this time I wanted to be a little more active. This is something that I can do. We have a new project. It's called "Care for Refugees".

The drive is focused on helping ten Iraqi families. At the moment, they only have the information on four families (I simply cut and paste from the website):

Family #1 (Iraqi)
Single woman, lives on her own, doesn’t speak English. Wallahy she has been waiting all week for our visit, she hasn’t been here for long and doesn’t know that many ppl. Has no one to talk to, and thats her main problem, she wants to learn English so bad. I suggest some sisters make it a habit to visit her twice a week. Maybe get some dessert or something and just go spend some quality time with her. She will be having surgery in April so won’t be able to work this month until she gets the surgery and recovers. She also needs pocket money during this period until she starts working again. Please visit her, call her on the phone, make her know that she is not forgotten!

Family #2 (Iraqi)
Single woman living with her mom and she is the one that has to pay the bills, her mom is too old to work. She was in dire need of finding a job last week and alhamdulillah she just got one a couple of days ago. She hasn’t been working for a month though and her rent has to be paid before the end of the month!!! She also is planning to move closer to work because she takes 3 buses just to get there from where they live. So we promised to help her move, but rent still has to be paid for this month!!!

Family #3 (Iraqi)
A man in his mid 30s, can’t work because he has a lot of medical problems, needs help paying his electric bill (inshalla is in the process of being taken care of). He doesn’t speak English and therefore is isolated in this big world! We should start making it a habit to visit him every week too. He says he could use some furniture around the house so we need to go visit him and find out how can we help him more.

Family #4 (Iraqi)
The father used to work as a barber in Iraq, he had another job here but got laid off because of the economy. He said he is waiting on his papers to come from Iraq this week so that he can start working his normal job (cutting hair). He is having trouble paying the bills and rent till he starts working again.

Here is the drive target:

1. Collecting $4,977 USD (rent about $750 + educational programs for $500)
2. Getting 70 support comments and dua, click here to post a pleasant word
3. Getting 6 support letters/cards for kids and parents mail them to this address

And, how you can help:

• Grow HalfDate: For every mailing list signup, HalfDate will donate $1 up to $200. Just join the mailing list and post a comment that you are participating in Alamaanah drive
• Blog for a cause: For every blog post about helping refugees/Alamaanah, $5 will be donated up to $250
• A pleasant word! For every comment or Dua about Sadaqah or refugees posted about helping refugees, $1 Canadian Dollar will be donated up to $100.
• Matching Challenge: If 100 people each donates $5, I’ll match their donations ($500) - post in the comment
• Unemployed & Broke Challenge: If an unemployed Muslim donates $20, we’ll double it up to ($500) - post in the comment

Helping can be as easy as clicking and you don't even have to fork out your money (you are most welcomed if you want to, though). I really hope this post can reach someone if not all the readers. Please, please, please, please, please, check out the website and if you feel this is something that you want to do (now or later), please, please, please join the mailing list and help spread the word. This might seem little and we might not be giants but every little thing matters. It's a kid that killed Voldemort and it's a small hobbit that throw the ring into the fire. Why not us?

We have been honored to have been offered this chance to help. So, let's do it!

Today

Yesterday, I long for today

Today, I found you.

Today, I understand love a little better,

Today, I understand life a little better,

Today, I realize love is not about perfection,

Today, I realize life is not about extraordinary,

Today, I learn that heart can only feel so much,

Today, I learn that head can only know so much,

Only today, when my heart and my head collides,

I rewrite needs and wants,

As I want you,

I cannot need you.

Today, I am happy,

Even if it had ended before it even began.

Today, I found you,

Today, I found me.

Saturday Afternoon

For some reason, I was asked to dedicate this entry to Elly, Syu and Sheila.. Hmm..it's not exactly what you thought I would write.. Nevertheless..

I spent my Saturday afternoon reading this one particular blog and it was indeed my project for that day. I promised myself to read all the entries but I forgot to look at the number of entries before I promised that and now it seems impossible to do so. At least not in one day. Even so,  it became quiet monotonous after a while. Hence, I'm not going to do it again. Still, I am going to follow the blog. He's quite fascinating to observe. Well, I think I've said too much already. [Girls, the story stopped here]

However, the issue of my entry today is about other people's blogs. If you have not realized it yet, I follow many blogs. The one in my listings cannot even justify the number of blogs that I read on a daily basis. 

Just recently, I found out that all five Aidan directors have their own blog that they update on a weekly basis. The issues range from personal to business, from dealing with dengue to how to write well to sharing the formula of successful businesses . It is quite interesting to listen to the rumbles of these entrepreneurs' minds. Do check them out at http://blog.aidan.com.my/. It is a worthwhile read.

I guess it's easy to understand why I read all these blogs. For one, I just love reading. I read everything from textbooks to TV guide. For another, it kept me updated with my network's 'what-up'. Oh yes, we are the Gen X, cybercommunity is our thing. Heh.

After reading of endless 'supposedly-to-be-intelligent' entries, I noticed something about these type of bloggers. They are a bit arrogant. Please, I beg you to stay with me. I will try my best to convey this without hurting anyone. Some of these bloggers feel that only those who write something intellectual like politics, business tips, and humanitarian causes deserve to be on the web. Personal blogs do not get the same credit.

I used to agree with that sentiment many years back. I hated blogs back then because blogs were mainly used to tell personal stories. To me, the stories should be kept locked. Not parading it online. Today, I still feel that you should not wash your dirty laundry in public but I know it is all within your right. Well, that applies if and only if what you write did not hurt anyone but yourselves. So, if a person chooses (bearing in mind they know all the consequences) to share their personal stories online, just let them. They have the right to write and you have the right to ignore it. Just because they don't write something that you think as clever, it did not give you the right to discourage them.

If that logic applies, then I should not say anything because this rule should apply to these 'intellectual' bloggers as well. They should have the right to say whatever they want to say because it's within their rights, right? You 'intellectual' bloggers might have recognize that it is a little oxymoronic. I agree.

The whole point of writing this entry is, if possible, to ask for some consideration from the 'intellectual' bloggers to not be too negative. We do like reading your entries, they sound.....intellectual. If you could return the same courtesy by being a little bit more sensitive to your reader, that would be nice.

sigh.. I don't even know why I write this. I'm just....

Just another book review and more

[Warning: Might contain a spoiler for the Twillight book series. Do not proceed if you have not read the book or if you love Stephanie Meyer. The author is not responsible for any heart break due to the criticism of the book]

I commented about “Twillight”, the book series, in Ina’s blog. I am not correcting it. I stand by my opinion but I think it deserve a proper review.

I was wrong when I thought I was addicted to it the last time. Last time, I did not get addicted to the book. I was however, floating in the cloud reading it. It was too good to be true and besides the fact I know that it is not healthy for me, I read it anyways. I read ¾ of the second book and then jump to the ending. For the third and fourth book, I simply flipped through it and went straight to the ending. I was not addicted to the book. I was, however, very curious to find out how it ends.

Stephanie Meyer is quite redundant in her writing and she put a lot of details which bore me. I just want to know if Edward’s going to turn Bella into a vampire and he did. That was a disappointment because it’s too predictable. It is what the readers want. I wanted to be surprised.

Despite my negative reviews though, I found myself hung up on the series. I just cannot stop reading it, especially the first book.  I am now addicted to it. Still, I can point out so many flaws on the writing, the plot, and the characters. It puzzled me how it is possible for me to be addicted to something that I know is bad for me, emotionally.

Then again, it is not that surprising. Else we would not have drug addicts or alcoholics. After several days of thinking (obviously my life is that happening), I think I know why the book is such a success or to be precise, why I can’t just let it go.

It’s easy to relate to Bella. Almost all of the female population, age ranging from 14 to 45 is a Bella. She is clumsy, she is insecure, she feels that she doesn’t fit anywhere and she’s invisible. Ordinary, or at least that’s what we think of ourselves. Most of us are wondering if this is as far as we could go. Most of us are hoping for some miracle to happen, waiting to break out of that ordinary shell. Waiting for a savior, an Edward.

Edward is a classic Prince Charming. He is very attractive with unbelievably handsome features, husky & seducing voice, addictive smell and with supernatural powers. He is romantic. He says exactly what you want to hear and the most amazing thing is he loves you a hell lot more than you love him, which is beyond infinite. Now isn’t that something?

And then, there’s a Jacob. Meyer is quite good in tackling her audience. Not every women like an Edward. For some, despite the danger in his diet preference, he is not enough of a bad boy. He is too good that it became annoying at times. Jacob is the solution. He’s young, he’s reckless and he’s dangerous. Unlike Edward who thinks thoroughly of his decision, Jacob is the exact opposite. He is passionate about everything and he could care less about rules. A classic Bad Boy.

They are the extremes of each type and both of them love Bella to death. This is even better than Cinderella. She only got one guy saving her. Bella has two. Yet all she wants to do is be a vampire. How ambitious.

After the fifth (I exaggerated of course, it’s more than that) time reading it, I finally appreciate all the minor, insignificant details described by Meyer. If I was in the cloud before, the minor details that I later appreciate put me in the seventh heaven. People say that she is an imaginative person. I disagree with that. J.K Rowling is an imaginative person. Meyer is not. How hard is it to fantasize having a guy loving you that much? How many of us do that every day? Don’t lie. You did do that every day. 

What Meyer did is simply take the fantasy that is on the mind of every girl (even if that girl has a boyfriend) and put it into a story. Of course, I would not disregard all the vampire/werewolf details, the volturi and what not. When I said I flipped through the book, I made sure that I get the gist of it. Still, the strong essence of the book is the love story. The twilight series is a love story. No more than that.

Bella always thinks less of herself and in the story she did get saved. Then she became extraordinary. Life is much more interesting than that. It’s not always you get saved before you become extraordinary. In many cases, that is not even how it happened. You need to save yourself, prince charming or no prince charming. Don’t wait for a prince charming to save you. On the other hand do not wait to save yourself before you go find your prince charming. Just take care of your own miracle. It’ll come.

I guess it is good every once in a while to fantasize. At least it will keep our hopes up. Make the bad days easier to deal with. But let’s keep it at that. People tend to let it hold them and when I said people, I meant me. I get influenced easily and when I did, it was too overwhelming. If you are like me, we know better when to fish and when to cut the bait. I think now is the time to cut the bait.

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya...

Have you ever felt like you are in a TV show and your whole life is being watched? If you watch the Truman Show, you might know what I am talking about. That is how I feel sometimes. Not feeling that the world is revolve around me nor I am the center of attention. But feel that the world sometimes cooperates with me. My prayers are being answered quite literally that it became scary at times.

That is sure hard to explain and I can imagine hard for you to understand too. Let me give you an example.

I had a bad morning. A bad one that comes once in every 4 months, that bad. As usual, I put on a happy face to work and sign in my gtalk and chatting happily. So, the people who I talked to could not possibly know that I had a bad morning at all. Other than the fact I already put on my happy face (although she cannot see me), the conversation that we had was not even in a close proximity of my feeling that morning. 

So, it startled me when suddenly, out of nowhere she said:

"jgn la sedih sangat bab xxx tu.. remember, God has our best interest in mind"

We wasn't even talking about that and when did talk about it yesterday, my tone was nothing but happy. The funny thing is I didnot realize that is why I was unhappy this morning. It was very surprising because as far as people around me are concern, I look happy. Noone should know, yet somebody does. How peculiar.

It is as if my life is a movie being directed when all other casts know what was going on except for me. As if, under the curtain, my Director told my actress friend to comfort me because that is what you are supposed to do when your friend is sad. 

Except of course I know that is not true. 

In a way, our lives are all being directed and the world that we are living in is the stage. It has one Director and the other casts who know what's going are indirectly involve in our lives. They are the crews, who each and everyone of them has a duty to fulfil. The closet to us are our greatest companions, writing our good and bad deeds on our back. One will visit us once the Director has decided to take us off the casts. There are more than millions of them.

So, I don't really know which one of them have whisphered what I was feeling to this friend of mine this morning nor do I know why they choose that particular person in the first place. 

Hmm.. angels do speak the same language, yes?

Do it my way

I was already doubting myself when I finally decided to submit the form, for these very solid reasons:

1. It was a 21.2 KM run. The longest I have walk/run non-stop in a day for my entire life was when I went to Taman Negara 2 years ago. That was less than 15 KM and it took us one day with many stops.

2. I rarely run, very very rare. I have always,always preferred brisk walk as a mode of exercising. I easily

 become short of breath with any kind of exercise, hence my preference.

3. I only train once, prior to the run, and that if jogging for one round with 5 walking breaks at Batu Burok jogging track can be considered as one.

4. I don't have anyone to go with. My brother was working that Saturday and none of my colleagues want to go, it was a waste of a good saturday morning sleep was what they said. Scout's honor.

Yet I submitted it anyway.

So, on Saturday morning at exactly 7.30 AM, I was on my feet, running, behind everyone else. I have my mp3 player on (when I say MP3 player, I mean my heavy and bulky handphone), minding my own business when everyone outran me. This is the route that we took.

1. Starting line was Taman Awam Batu Burok. Then we passed Primula Hotel, turning right to Batu Bersurat roundabout.

2. We took left from the roundabout and went down to the town center, the area of all financial institutions till the end of Jalan Sultan Ismail.

3. After Jalan Sultan Ismail, we took left to waterfront area and took another left at Balik Bukit, where it was a little hilly. We went down straight to TNB junctions.

4. We turned right at TNB junctions and climbed up the hill and went down straight to the

 State Library junctions, passing the JPJ junctions.

5. We turned right at the junction and went up the bridge (hence the name of the race), and went down at Pulau Duyong exit. That would be the middle checkpoint for the under 18 groups. Sadly for me, I have to continue for another 6 KM.

6. Down the bridge, we proceeded straight to Batu 6 roundabout, passing 2 traffic lights. The middle checkpoint for us would be the one at Batu 6 roundabout when we started turning back.

7. We went up the bridge and..................................

This is the point where I found that I could not walk anymore. My feet hurts, really bad. The sole of my feet to be exact. As far as the stamina goes, I know I have a litle left in me. I can still push myself to take another step. However, it's a totally different thing when every single step that you take, it felt like there is a sharp stone underneath your sole. At first, I pushed myself still, my mind was doing it's job quite successfully motivating my body to go on and absorb the pain. 

After a while though the pain was getting worse so I sat down on one of the big vase near the street on the bridge, massaging my feet. Several people went passed me, smiling awkwardly and I smiled back warmly, telling without words that I am okay and there's no need to stop the ambulance that has been patroling.

When I thought that it was okay, I stood up quickly only to find out that it had just gotten worse. Obviously letting it to rest was a bad idea, the swelling actually got bigger. So, I called my brother. Since I was on the bridge still and it was impossible for my brother to stop in the middle of the heavy traffic, I continued walking, more like limping this time, down the bridge to the jogging track near Bukit Besar and he was already there waiting. He dropped me off to my car at the finishing line and I walked with my brother's slipper on because he insisted I took his slipper when I told him I will be walking barefooted to my car. There is no way I am going to put that shoes back on.

That was three days ago and my leg hurts a little but the blisters are still there. I only told a few people about this run other than my family and if I did not say anything no one would never have to know that I did not finish the race. Yet I feel compelled to write about it. 

I just want to share this experience with everyone out there who is about to take on a new challenge and is still doubting. I was never an athlete. I skipped my PJ class all the time and I am not even living an active lifestyle. I did it anyway. I did it to challenge myself, to see if I have even the slightest potential to be an athlete. I found that I could not finish the race just yet. I am not giving up, I'll be training for next year.

The thing that fascinates about this whole experience is that I do not feel like a failure at all. If anything, I am proud of myself for even signing up. I finished 18 KM and that is something to me. That is the thing with taking risks. You will never know how it would be unless you take it. I thought I knew what running/walking for 21.1 KM feels like but I was wrong and I would not have known if I do not go through it. Life is all about taking risks. Never assume you know what's coming because unless you step in the water, you will never know what is going to hit you. Staying afloat or getting drowned, they are just relatives in lives. Either way, it will be something else and worth getting your feet wet.

I asked and He Answered

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."

-Al-Qur'an, 2:216

It could have been worse and I am really seriously grateful. 

No one says that life is easy. It is hard enough and it become even more frustrating when you try to make sense the bad things that happen to you. Well, I do that all the time. I question, I try to reason and at the end of the day I would blame myself for not doing it differently. It became quite tiring after a while.

The thing is, after a while, when I looked back, I would see the point of why those things happen to me. Of course, while it happened, it would all seems bad and feels like I would never recover. Yet I did, and I always learn something new, and if anything, it would make me a little bit stronger than before. 

So my point is, we are merely human. Things will never make sense to us, at least not while it happened and there are still some things that do not make sense even if you try to reason it for years. I am still having problem accepting death and its consequences to the living. But we have to trust, trust that everything happens for a reason. Trust that whatever happened, it happened for our own good. Of course that is easier said than done but that is what I have to remind myself every single time. To trust. To have faith.

Fortunately, being a Muslim, I was taught to leave my fate (not entirely though, you still are required to do everything within your power) to the hand of the God. Being a mere human, I forgot, many times. Lucky for me, the answers always come whenever I need it. The truth is, the answer is always there if you look hard enough and trust that God really answer your prayers, one way or the other. 

I was feeling a little blue when I saw the translation of Ayat 216 from Surah Al-Baqarah on TV. Then it feels like a huge loads has been taken off me. Thank you.

Life is hard. It became harder when you fight it. Accept and trust that it would be okay. I know it's hard but I rather live in hope that things would be okay than living in regret that is full of what-ifs. The bad things, they are just pit stops in a long race. I don't plan to linger too long at one place because I got to finish the race.

We'll go from here

This is to A, for the many nights at Pantai Teluk Chempedak, defining, wondering, reasoning and endless worrying..

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." 

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Let's take life one thing at a time. Enjoy life's little things. 

Hanging in there!

It has been a rough week, physically and emotionally speaking. I have been running here and there for the past 2 weeks and it is seriously exhausting. Emotionally speaking, I am fine now, really. I really appreciate all the pep talks, encouragement but I don't actually want to talk about it. Other people have suffered for worse tragedies, so mine is not really worth mentioning. It is just another episode and I am ready for the next one.